


Hit Me With Your Best Shot

by islandkate, WerewulfTherewulf



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Assassins, Blatant references to other media, Coin Laundromats, Cyanide poisoning, Dummies just assuming things about each other, M/M, Modern AU, Monotonous work, Pizza Places, Stabbing, Terrible excuses for terrible things, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-16
Updated: 2016-11-11
Packaged: 2018-08-15 07:46:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 12
Words: 15,401
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8048200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/islandkate/pseuds/islandkate, https://archiveofourown.org/users/WerewulfTherewulf/pseuds/WerewulfTherewulf
Summary: Kili: by day, manager at a fast food pizza establishment; by night, accomplished hit man.Fili: by day, ???; by night, owner and operator of a 24-hour coin laundromat.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I won't give you my petty excuses if you do give me feedback!

The first time Kili set his eyes on Fili was when he was standing behind the counter at the car rental facility Kili was at, early one morning. He briefly assisted Kili in getting a rental before handing him off to someone more experienced at the job, who helped Kili with the rest.

The first time Fili set his eyes on Kili was the very same night, when the man walked into his 24-hour coin operated laundry at 2:38 AM. There was one other customer in the shop as Kili let himself in, struggling with his arms full of a large, round, beige plastic clothes hamper. An old CRT television sat on a shelf and was playing the nightly news.

Fili glanced up at him when the chime at the door went off, but otherwise paid him no mind, quietly sweeping up dust bunnies on the other side of the room. Kili did a double take, trying to figure out where he had seen those tired blue eyes before, but then he remembered why he was there and quietly slunk into the furthest corner. He hurriedly dumped his clothes and sheets into the washer and shut the lid, a little too loudly, and began fiddling with the options. But then he stopped and looked up and around. He stared at the wall for several seconds in deep thought, pondering about how he probably looked very suspicious taking the very corner washer.

Quickly, he gathered his things and dumped them back into the basket, and scurried to another, less inconspicuous option. He repeated the process of throwing his items in the machine.

“Hey,”

Kili was startled so badly he almost hit the ceiling. He whipped around and stared at the store owner like a deer caught in headlights.

“Don’t put your sheets in a top loader.” Fili said, gesturing to the washer and then to a sign hanging on the far wall, which read PLEASE DO NOT WASH RUGS OR SHEETS IN TOP LOADERS. “It’ll ruin my machines,” he added, “put them in the commercial washer,”

Kili’s gaping mouth shut with an audible _clack,_ and he rotated his bust around in a joint stretch-and-look maneuver, hoping to catch a glimpse of the special machines. He collected his sheets and scrambled over to another corner, where they sat. He threw in the sheets then stood and stared, trying to figure out how to make them work.

He only tried to figure it out for a few seconds, instead coming up with a brilliant idea to perhaps get close to the cute owner. He turned around and found the blond, who had returned to sweeping up the floor. Kili cleared his throat, thrice, increasing in volume each time after the man didn’t appear to hear him the first two. Finally, he stopped sweeping and looked up.

“Do you need a cough drop?” he asked stoically.

“Uh,” Kili began intelligently, “… No. Um… I don’t know how to…?” he gestured weakly to the big, bulky machine. Fili sighed and rolled his eyes, gently leaning his broom against the wall. He shambled over next to Kili and stared hard into the washer, analyzing the situation. Kili’s gentle enjoyment of the attractive man’s scent (laundry soap, cheap-but-pleasant-enough smelling deodorant, and coin change) ended immediately when he noticed the man looking in at his sheets. As an ice cold bucket of dread splashed him right in the face and ‘accidentally’ slammed the washer door shut with his knee, much too forcefully.

Fili’s turned his head to look at him, irritated. Instead of berating Kili, he asked, “Do you have soap? And bleach?”

“Uhhh…”

Fili sighed in agitation and pointed to the far wall, where a large dispenser of chemicals hung. “Soap and bleach, you need both to get the blood out,”

“What!” Kili yelped, leaping in front of the washer’s door in an attempt to hide the contents from Fili.

Fili’s eyes squinted. “Your sheets have blood on them. It’s normal to wake up with a nosebleed, I get it. The best way to get blood out of cloth is soap, bleach, and cold water,” he explained.

Kili nodded slowly. “Oh, okay,” he said. Rifling through his tight jean pockets, he fished out more coins as he walked over to the dispenser to buy the required chemicals. He hurried back over and poured them in, looking at Fili expectantly afterwards.

“Now just change the option to cold water and press start,” Fili told him, turning and walking away. “And don’t forget the rest of your things in the other washer or I’ll throw them away when you leave,”

“Ah shit,” Kili muttered under his breath, having done exactly that. After starting the industrial washer, he dashed over to the chemical wall, then back to the top down washer. He dumped in the chemicals and accidentally dropped the lid, causing it to slam shut loudly and earning a glare from Fili across the room.

“Er… cold water for blood, right?”

“Yes,”

“Thanks mate,”

The wait for the washers to finish their cycles was tense and awkward for Kili, and even more so was the wait for the dryers. He spent the time hiding his face behind years old magazines, while Fili moved around the shop cleaning up after people and then reading a book. Finally Kili got out the door with a quiet thank you to Fili and a pile of slightly damp clothes.

Kili held the phone between his head and shoulder as he quickly tried to hole himself up in the nearby broom closet, pulling along the tangled up cord as he went and nearly avoiding a piping hot pizza to the face.

“Hey, watch where you’re going!” he shouted to the clumsy delivery girl. “I have an important order to take so don’t bug me,”

Once sufficiently hidden, he whipped out his tiny, beat up .89 cent spiral notepad and a blue ball point pen and sat on a small stool.

“Okay I’m back. Name? Uh-huh,” he said into the phone. “’Kay… Address? ‘kay Uh-huh. Any special details I should know about? …’Kay. Excellent. ‘M-uh-huh, ‘kay, yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah, not a problem,” Kili scribbled down several notes onto his notepad, continuing to listen to the voice on the line.

“Okay, so we’re clear on the price, then? For a special order it’s 30…” his eyebrows furrowed, not liking the tone the customer was beginning to take on, “Look, mate, it’s a minimum of 30, additional special requests cost another 10 – 15, I thought the online menu made that clear enough,”

As he listened, Kili pulled out his phone and opened up his online banking app, checking on his balance activity.

“If you’re going to argue with me, I can just cancel the order and instead send it over to my good ol’ pal at RIPD, right down the way, who I know will appreciate the tip… _Or_ , you could accept what we offer,”

Kili grinned maliciously as the voice turned frantic and apologetic. Just as he thought, his app _pinged_ to let him know there was a new deposit in his bank account.

“That’s what I thought. Thank you very much, sir, it’s been a pleasure,” Kili said in his best customer service voice before standing to go hang up the phone.

Six hours later, the sun had gone down and Kili was closing up shop. As a closing manager, it was his job to make sure everything was clean and prepared for the following morning. When he finished mopping the floors in the kitchen, he took off his apron and tossed it into the little laundry hamper before heading to the front. He stopped short, though, when he had a thought. He turned and went back to the kitchen, grabbing all the dirty aprons from the hamper and bringing them to his car, where he tossed them lazily into the filthy back seat. He ran back to grab a small box of cheesy breadsticks, then locked the pizza parlor doors behind him and climbed into his car.

From his back pocket, he pulled out a crumpled up sheet of paper – ripped directly from his tiny notebook, from his back pocket and placed it on his thigh as he started up the vehicle. He read over the details on the note, booted up his GPS and sped off, eating the breadsticks along the way.

Just before he arrived at his destination, he turned off his headlights to blend in better to the dark neighborhood, and then parallel parked to the best of his ability a block away. Rifling through the glove box, he found a pair of rubber gloves to yank on, and then reached into the back to grab the pizza box that had been buried beneath all the filthy aprons from the day.

He peaked into the box, turned off his car then began his trek towards his destination, checking his surroundings constantly as he went. On the doorstep, he rang the doorbell once and knocked twice before taking a step back and putting on his best smile.

The time was approximately midnight, and it showed on the man’s face as he opened his front door. Perfect, for Kili.

“Wha-?”

“Delivery for you, sir!” Kili interrupted, his brilliant smile causing his eyes to squint near shut, “I’ve got a special order just for you!”

The homeowner’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion. He didn’t order a pizza… or did he? What time was it? He had been drinking earlier, maybe he really did and went to bed having forgotten entirely.

“Uhhh, let me just get my wallet…” he told Kili, still very drowsy from sleep. He turned away in his bathrobe and slippers to go back into his kitchen, where he left his money. He didn’t get far at all. The light from the doorway disappeared quickly and quietly, too fast for him to notice. A heavy, blunt object hit him brutally across the back of his head, stunning him and sending him tumbling over an end table and onto the floor.

The glass in the small table shattered, slicing open his legs and smashing his wife’s porcelain babies as they hit the ceramic tiles down below. He fell on top of the lamp, burning his cheek on the light bulb for an instant before it smashed beneath his weight, cutting open his face.

A hand grabbed a fistful of what was left of his thinning hair. The tip of a severely sharp knife pressed against the side of his neck, then was jammed in fiercely, killing him instantly.

Kili pulled the knife out of the man’s neck and let his body drop, an ugly, fleshy sound emitting as the lifeless body hit the wood frame of the expensive end table. He took a deep breath and plopped down on the arm of the couch just next to the table, checking his phone for the time. That didn’t even take ten minutes! It was practically a new record for Kili.

Proud of himself, Kili had a quick smoke break before turning on a fan and starting the cleanup process. Three hours later, he pulled into a parking space at a 24-hour Laundromat. 


	2. Chapter 2

Kili walked in holding the large ball of filthy work aprons in his arms. Fili looked up when the chime went off.

“Evenin’,” Kili called out to him, dumping his aprons onto a washer with a closed lid.

“Evenin’,” Fili replied. He looked back down at the tiny, shabby table he was sitting at and went back to what Kili surmised was sorting through all the quarters he received that day, but not before giving a quick eye to Kili’s pile to make sure he wasn’t dumping anything into the top loader that he shouldn’t.

“No sheets today,” Kili joked lightly, seeing the look.

“Good. But more blood?” Fili asked, adjusting the black-framed glasses sitting at the tip of his nose, which Kili thought complimented his looks amazingly.

“NO.” Kili accidentally bellowed, startling Fili. Kili felt quite bad about scaring his crush, watching as he had to bend over to pick up the coins he dropped.

“What?” Fili asked him, sitting straight up again. “There, on your clothes… you’ve got blood on your clothes again,”

Kili slowly looked down at his work uniform. Sure enough, there was an unfortunate amount of blood on them.

“Not… … … … no. It’s not blood,” Kili stammered. “It’s… … … … … … … … … … … … … sauce. Pizza… sauce…?”

Fili blinked slowly. “Well whatever it is, you’d better wash it off now unless you want stains,” he explained. He sat back in his chair to rest his back and to reach for his drink, a vanilla smoothie from In N’ Out complete with his own transparent green swirly curly straw inserted through the lid. 

After sucking down a portion of the thick drink, he went right back to work sorting his quarters. 

Kili blushed and looked around for others. Fili was right, he’d have to clean his work uniform now if he wanted the stains to come out. Not that it mattered if he had sauce stains on his uniform!

“I’m the damn manager I do what I want,” he muttered to himself as he pulled off his clothes and threw them in the washing machine. Hunched over and crossing his arms, he looked up when he heard Fili laugh. “Huh?”

“Ah, nothing, sorry. I didn’t mean to overhear what you said, is all,” Fili explained, trying to avoid looking at Kili in his blue candy-striped boxers. “… But, manager or not, I don’t think your bosses will appreciate you having blood stains on your uniform,”

“It’s not blood! It’s marinara sauce! There was… an incident!”

Fili rolled his eyes good-naturedly. “Look, if you want to reduce your nosebleeds, maybe you should get a nasal spray or something, to keep your nose holes moist,”

It was Kili’s turn to giggle. “They’re called nostrils,” he told Fili.

“I know that. It’s just that ‘nostrils’ is such an ugly word,” Fili threw back.

“Oh and like ‘nose holes’ is any better?”

“Better than _‘nostrils’_ ,”

Kili laughed and rolled his eyes, hopping up to sit on the rumbling washer. His hips gyrated along with the cycle as he and Fili fell into a comfortable silence. Ten minutes later, when the cycle ended, Kili hopped up and checked his load. He gently closed the lid and turned to Fili.

“I know it’s only been like four days since I was here last, but uh… cold water, right? For the red stains?”

Fili looked up and pushed his glasses back up the bridge of his nose. “Yes. For the _particularly_ red stains. If they’re not out yet add a little more soap and throw the load again,”

Kili thanked him quietly and did as he was told.

Some minutes later, Fili said, "There's a bathroom in the back, for paying customers. You can go in and wash off the _particularly red stains_ that are on your face, if you'd like,"

"What!" Kili yelped. He hurried to follow Fili's pointing finger, locking himself in the small bathroom. Sure enough there was a large streak of blood across his forehead, where he had earlier wipe the sweat away from after cleaning up after himself. He quickly washed it all away then tried to casually saunter back out into the main room. He wandered over to Fili’s table, peaking over the blonde’s shoulder.

“Whatchya doin’?” he asked innocently.

Fili looked up and over his shoulder at him, then back down at his coins. “I’m sorting my coins,” he said simply.

“What for?” Kili continued.

“… I’m looking for certain types,”

“What types?”

“Um, ones minted in 1964 and previous,”

“Why?”

“Because of their value,”

“Why?”

“Why do you want to know?”

They stared at each other, Fili turned towards him with his arm behind the back of his chair. Kili shrugged.

“I’m just wondering,” he said, trying to put his hands in his pockets only to be reminded that he was in nothing but his boxer briefs. “Sorry mate I’ll just leave you to it,”

“Oh whatever. You can help me look for them while you wait,” Fili countered, gesturing to the empty chair across from him.

Kili smiled. “Oh, well okay then, sounds boring enough but should be a good time waster. 1964 you said?”

Fili fixed him with a deadpan look but didn't say anything, instead choosing to let Kili talk to him about his day, the things he saw and the people he met.


	3. Chapter 3

Kili heaved out a heavy sigh from where he sat atop the dead body. What a night. His client was definitely going to be fined an extra 30k for _this_ fiasco. He wasn’t told there were going to be _children_ in the house at the time! Or that the man was ex-KGB! Kili had one hell of a time wrestling the man into unconsciousness before he could kill him, after _finally_ managing to get the rest of the family out to catch their pet dog that had mysteriously gotten loose. And Kili’s client had wanted the job done before nightfall! Aye-yi-yi… make that an extra _40k_ …

He pinched the bridge of his nose, then took a drag on his well-earned cigarette. He needed to clean this mess up before the family got back, but it would be a hefty job, and it was a miracle that they hadn’t returned already. Thinking on his feet, Kili found a piece of scratch paper and wrote a note; ‘chop off toe meet me @ hospital thank’, and sprinted to tape it outside on the front door, locking himself in as he came back in.

Quickly he set to work, throwing away broken objects, wiping down surfaces and sweeping up debris. When he heard a car pull into the driveway, Kili smacked off all the lights and hid the body in a panic, before disappearing himself underneath the large couch next to the corpse.

He heard muffled voices reading the note, then as they shouted out in panic! An order was made, and there were hurried footsteps away from the door. The car doors slammed shut, the vehicle was turned on and then it disappeared. Kili let out a sigh of relief, then high-fived the dead hand that was dangling near him before crawling out from under the sofa. As he was dusting himself off, he noticed an ashtray full of change sitting out on the large coffee table right next to him. He pulled out a wet wipe and scrubbed down the splatter of blood he spotted an instant later, but then picked up the old, filthy ashtray and started to tip all the change into his jeans pocket.

But then he stopped, having a thought. Putting the ashtray back down he quickly stripped out of his bloody clothes, grabbed the small duffel bag he had hid nearby and changed into clean clothing. With his new cargo shorts on, he proceeded to dump the change all in one of the pockets.

Content with the cleanup, Kili began to sneak his way out the back door with one last glance at where the body was tucked away. It wasn’t in the job description to dispose of the body, but he always liked to play a little game of hide and seek with them.

 

 

 

 

The chime on the door went off, and Fili looked up. Then, he glanced over to read the analog wall clock. It was only 11:30, far too early for Kili to be making an appearance.

“Why are you so early?” He called out.

Kili, chilled to the bone from the cold and wet weather outside, eyed Fili curiously. He was sitting in his favorite plastic chair wrapped up entirely in a white sheet, like a little blanket burrito with an arm dangling out to sort coins and sip smoothies through a swirly straw.

“This is only my third time here, I don’t think that’s nearly enough to set up a set schedule. Why are you uh… ?” Kili gestured vaguely to the sheet wrapped around the blonde.

“I’m cold, and this just came from the dryer,” Fili explained, wrapping himself up tighter.

After Kili dropped his clothes off in the washer then waltzed over to Fili’s table, where he emptied his pockets. Coins clattered onto it, and ash, dust bunnies, candy wrappers and lint floated their way down after them.

Fili was not thrilled by the mess, but he dragged a quarter to him to check the year regardless. “What’s all this?” he asked offhandedly.

“Uh… well I found this extra money at work, and I remembered last week when you told me you like to collect coins, so I just thought you'd like to look through these too,”

Fili glanced warily at him, but then smiled. “Oh. Well thank you,” he said, quickly scanning the coins. "No blood today?"

“N-no! My friend spilled a Bloody Mary on me earlier, if you're seeing some red somewhere, but I thought I got it all...Oh!” Kili shoved his hand into his other pocket, yanking out a few extra coins, “Do you collect foreign coins? I found these Russian ones, too,” he dropped them down onto the table.

Fili dragged them over and examined them closely for some seconds. “No,” he said finally, “I don’t,”

Before Kili could apologize and take them back however, Fili slid them out of reach and hid them under his smoothie cup. “Doesn’t mean I can’t start though. I’ve never come across any foreign coins before, so I never got the chance,” he explained, enjoying the way Kili beamed back at him.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> @froot_luips this obvs isn’t what you asked for but I am working on it, it’s half done right now, I'll get a better chance to work on it when I get home tomorrow night or Sunday, tysm for your patience ♥
> 
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> 
>  

 

 

 

Kili was sick and tired of pizza. Day in and day out, pizza here, pizza there. Pizza pizza pizza. He was sick of being too lazy to eat anything but pizza for lunch. But it was also his lunch break and he was starving for something, anything that wasn’t pizza. He sat in the nearby park, glaring at the pigeons surrounding him.

A smell hit Kili’s senses. A hot, steamy, meaty smell. Dragging his face from his hands, he scanned the area. There, on the corner, was a hot dog stand. Not just any hot dog stand, but _The Corner Weeny_. It was one of the city’s most famous hot dog stands, for good reason. Kili jumped to his feet and began running directly towards the cart, leaving clouds of dust behind him. It was with good reason; the cart had just parked its little self on the corner, and already a line was beginning to form.

Kili staked his claim in the queue, pretending to care when he accidentally stepped on the foot of a toddler and caused the child to run to his mother. He waited patiently in line, spending the time rifling through his wallet for cash. When he reached the front, he immediately began rattling off his order, not wanting to risk the wrath of the impatient patrons behind him.

“Okay yeah so I want two dogs, one bun, and I want those fuckers drowning in mustard and sauerkraut and pico, and—Fili!!” halfway through mindlessly saying his order, Kili actually looked up at the vendor serving him, only to be surprised to be met with the same weary blue eyes and thick golden hair he had come to known in the past weeks.

“What are you doing here??” Kili asked him, baffled. Fili owned his own coin laundry, why was he selling hotdogs? … And renting cars? Serving as a lifeguard at the beach, being a crosswalk attendant for schoolchildren, giving out free samples at WinCo?

Fili thrust Kili’s weenies into his hands, taking the outstretched cash and doling out the correct change. “Working,” he sighed, “I can’t talk right now, Kili,”

“Ah yeah sorry,” Kili moved out of the way, and before he left, told Fili, “I’ll be in tonight! Promise!” before quietly sulking off to another part of the park.

 

 

 

Staring lovingly into the old, greasy pizza box, Kili went over his options for tool that night. Inside his box were several knives strapped to both surfaces, and he always tried to choose what was best for each job. Tonight, his target was a little old man named Herbert Wallace. 83 and living in a senior community, Herbert was quite the player. He had been dating Dottie for several months, before word got out that Phyllis from down the lane suddenly got a case of Gonorrhea. That wouldn’t’ve been too big of a deal if Dottie hadn’t have come forward afterwards with the news that _she_ had gonorrhea too, and that she had gotten it from Herbert.

Well, more women came forward with the news that they, too, had gonorrhea, and so it was revealed that Herbert was a horny scumbag. But not only was a he a horny scumbag, but he was also several thousand dollars in debt! Herbert _loved_ to gamble, but he sure was awful at it. He borrowed money from everyone he knew just to feed his nasty habits, but things were starting to catch up with him now, since it seemed that he had borrowed, and neglected to pay back, money from the wrong people. That’s where Kili came in.

He shut his pizza box. While certainly preferring to get the job done with knives, he couldn’t imagine getting away without any hassle if he were to do that to Herbert in his highly populated senior living community. Today, he’d experiment with a much different method that he’d been kind of wanting to try for a while now.

Kili locked his car and skipped into the front entrance, basking in the rush of air conditioner and striding up to reception.

“Hello, ma’am, I’m here to see my grandfather!”

The man sitting behind the counter blinked at him. “Okay. Name?”

“Herbert Wallace,”

“And who are you visiting?”

“… Herbert Wallace?”

The receptionist tutted and rolled his eyes. “ _Your_ name?”

“Richard Cheese,”

“Okay, just sign this form and you can go up and see Mr. Wallace, room 6213,”

 _Well that was easy,_ Kili thought as he wandered around the facility, looking for his target. He tried to take as few breaths as possible, so as to not have to breathe the awful scent of mothballs, cough syrup and albuterol.

After having to ask two different attendants for directions, Kili was finally able to reach his destination, picking up a tray of food from the table of a sleeping patient along the way. Even though the door was open, he knocked on the door frame to announce his presence.

“Knock knock!” he announced, putting on a cheesy grin. He let himself into the room and placed the tray of cheesy broccoli soup onto a nearby table. He wheeled it over to the television, where Herbet Wallace was parked in his mobility scooter.

Herbert turned to look at him and glared. “Who are you!” he demanded.

Kili held out your hand. “Hi, my name is Richard Cheese, and I’m here to speak to you on behalf of Saul Goodman, about the possibility of you being a victim of fraud. And look, I brought you your lunch so the orderlies don’t interrupt us while we talk,”

Herbert reluctantly shook Kili’s hand, confused. “What do you mean by fraud?” he asked warily.

Kili smiled and pulled up a chair, turning the volume on the television lower. “Well you see, Mr. Wallace, there has been evidence piling up that the fine people at _El Caballero Caliente_ have been _overcharging_ their residents. Let me show you these papers—oh and eat up, eat up! Don’t want your soup to get cold, do we?”

He handed the soup to Herbert, who obediently began eating a few mouthfuls as Kili turned away and searched through his satchel for the papers. Seconds later, Herbert began choking. Kili whipped around, his face lit up in malice and glee. Herbert coughed and hacked, blood droplets spraying from his mouth and landing on everything, including Kili. Herbert fell back into his chair and convulsed, blood and saliva frothing at the corners of his mouth.

Kili watched on wolfishly until finally Herbert was dead. He sat back, thinking about his next steps quietly. Then he turned the volume of the television back on and knocked the bowl of soup onto the floor. Slinging his satchel back over his shoulder and quickly looking over the room for any sort of change. Finding none, he contorted his face into one of dismay and ran out of the room.

“Help, help!” he shouted, “My grandfather, something is wrong!!”

 

 

 

 

At 1:28 AM, Kili arrived at the laundry. He greeted Fili with a bright grin and a wave before finding his favorite washer and getting to work.

“What is it today?” Fili asked.

Kili rolled his eyes. “Ketchup. Someone really needs to find a better way to get the last bit of ketchup out a of a nearly empty bottle. I was doing the thing, you know,” he mimed aggressive gestures of shaking and smacking of an invisible plastic bottle, but it was all very suggestive in Fili’s eyes, “But that shit wasn’t working so I did that stupid thing where I turned it around to look into, but it exploded all over me,” Kili finished dramatically.

Fili hummed in understanding. _It’s cute that he keeps coming up with really awful excuses to come and see me,_ he thought. He went back to biting the end of his pen and trying to his crosswords, pushing his reading glasses back up the bridge of his nose every time they slipped down.

Bored, Kili wandered over and sat across from the blonde. He rested his jaw in his hands while he watched him, thoroughly enjoying all the tiny quirks he could see, like the dimples that appeared when he made an offhand joke, or how his glasses always fell down his nose when he yawned every few minutes.

“Need any help?” he asked eventually, gesturing to the crossword puzzle.

Fili shook his head. “No thank you. I’m doing okay. How was work today?”

Kili thought back to how he had to quietly slip away from _El Caballero Caliente_ when the authorities arrived to check out the situation. He shrugged. “Eh, you know. Work. How about you? How was your… hot dogs?”

Fili mirrored Kili’s shrug. “It was… hot dogs. Not for me, I think.”

“I always see you working different jobs…” Kili started, hoping Fili would fill in the blanks.

“Yeah, I guess. I’m just earning a living, same as you,” was all he gave up. He yawned, and stared at his puzzle. “… Do you know a 14-letter word for ‘A popular action/adventure video game franchise set in a fictional history of real world events’?”

Kili thought of a few titles and counted them out on his fingers. “Ah! Yes, Assassin’s Creed,” he grinned, happy that his hours upon hours of video games was finally paying off.


	5. Chapter 5

Today’s target was one Kili was looking forward to. The address that he was delivering to was out in the country; Kili got to go on a scenic drive today. He was looking so forward to it he didn’t even care that it had to be done mid-morning.

He topped up at his nearest gas station, making sure to grab a packet of beef jerky (or as his family has always liked to refer to it; monkey scabs) along the way. Kili was pleasantly surprised to be met by Fili standing behind the counter. He greeted him with a bright grin and only barely remembered to ask for a pack of cigarettes and his favorite nudie magazine as he paid for his purchase.

“It’s a bit early for you, isn’t it?” he asked Fili, “Shouldn’t you be sleeping?”

Fili shrugged, replying, “Just earning a living. What about you?”

“Same as you; early shift,”

Suddenly feeling embarrassed about Fili knowing about his porn mag habit, he felt the need to assure Fili that the magazine was definitely not for him, but for his brother, instead. Fili just smiled knowingly and placed it in the bottom of the bag before handing it over.

“I’ll see you later?”

Kili beamed. “Yes! I’ll be in tonight!”

 

 

 

Sailing down the open road, Kili rolled down all his windows and blasted his music. No one was there to care how loud he had it, so he set it as loud as he could with no fucks to give of his own. Sunglasses on, hair whipping in the wind, a sour green apple 72 ounce big gulp barely fitting into his cup holder; today was a great day. The song on the radio ended and started up with commercials, so Kili began station hopping. He decided to briefly keep it on the news.

_“A man was found dead yesterday afternoon in his room at a senior community living center of a suspected murder. Police suspect the man was poisoned with cyanide, but can’t be sure until an autopsy is performed. The man, Herbert Wallace, was last seen with a much younger man who was visiting with him under the guise of being his grandson, and it was this young man who alerted the community center staff of Herbert’s death. The police wanted to get a witness statement from this man, but he disappeared from the scene-- “_

Kili grimaced and switched off the radio entirely. He had slipped up, so now he was going to have to float under the radar for a while; after this next job, though, of course, because Kili was already in the middle of driving to the middle of nowhere. It was way too late to turn back and return the money.

Forty-five minutes later and he was standing outside of a log cabin. The breeze blew some of his hair into his face as he walked back to his trunk, and he sputtered and blew at it to get it away and out of his mouth. Fishing a bright blue hair elastic from his back pocket, he pulled his hair up into a tight ponytail. Then, he grabbed his hatchet from the trunk.

He walked behind the cabin and peaked into windows, trying to get a feel of the interior and catch a glimpse of the target. No such luck, she was nowhere to be found. What he did discover though, was an open window leading into the bathroom. Excellent.

Using the logs to climb, he hoisted himself up and into the house. Lithely, he snuck in silently and—

“ _Who_ the hell are you and _what_ the hell do you think y’all’re doin’?!” shrieked the woman lying in the bathtub, half-hidden by a mountain of bubbles.

Kili yelped and stumbled back into a wall, staring at her in horror. She had _chin hairs_!!

“GET OUT! GET OUT BEFORE I CALL THE PO-LICE!” she hollered, hopping up to her feet. Kili gaped in terror at the bull moose of a woman standing before him in the bathtub. And then he ran. Kili ran as fast as he could out of the bathroom and into the main part of the cabin and directly out the front door, hatchet still gripped firmly in his hand. He had bitten off much, much more than he could chew.

Chancing a look behind him, he was appalled to discover that the woman was chasing after him, with a shotgun, and completely naked. Her massive pancake tits flopped around like wacky inflatable tube men as she charged after him, she brought the shotgun up to aim. Kili reach his car just in time for her to make her first shot. Miraculously, he got away unscathed. He heard her loud, galloping footsteps and in a panic, stomped on the gas pedal. He forgot to take it out of reverse.

The car screeched backwards until it collided with a large obstacle. That obstacle was Kili’s target. Panicking, he put the car in drive and stomped the gas pedal again. It became obvious immediately that she was stuck to his bumper, or _something_ , because she was being dragged right along with him.

“Jesus Christ!” Kili yelled, slamming on the breaks while trying to turn the car, resulting in a donut. He leaped out of his car and ran to the back to survey the damage. It was… not good.

He ran his hands down his face then through his hair. What the hell was he supposed to do with this mess? There was a gored mountain woman tangled up in his axel by her hair, and a trail of blood from her being dragged through the dirt.

So Kili had dragged what was left of the body into the woods, taking care not to lose any chunks or pieces. He found a nice spot to put her, not completely hidden but not in plain sight either. Then, he had rushed inside her house and grabbed the moose head hanging over her fireplace. He came back and did parkour off some trees and boulders to land some sick stab moves on her with the antlers. The moose head ended up in the back seat of his car. Then he jumped on her a few times. That’d make it seem like she was trampled by a moose, right?

He went around the house until he found the garden hose. He hooked it up to the spigot coming out of the side of the house and then washed away the trail of blood she left when he accidentally took her for a spin. Then he got into his car, sat in the seat for five minutes to collect his thoughts, and drove back into town.

 

 

His first destination was the car wash. He pulled into one of the free spaces and hopped out, rushing for a hose and some of the soap. Except all the options for soap in this space were completely out of order. Dread filled Kili, and he rushed out onto the lot to try and find and employee. Luckily, one was nearby throwing trash into the dumpster. Kili flagged the man down, and he turned around. It was Fili.

“Fili!! There’s no soap!! Why isn’t there any?!” he shouted, shaking Fili by the shoulders.

“It’s run out, and I haven’t gotten a chance to re-fill it yet. I’ll go grab it, which do you need?”

“The strongest and most efficient one!”

Fili obliged, and followed Kili over to the space with a large plastic bag of car soap. Before he could fill up the dispenser, he noticed Kili’s bumper, and then his bloody clothes.

“I thought you were going to work?” Fili frowned.

“I HIT A FUCKING MOOSE,”

“In the city?”

“Yes!!” Kili grabbed the large bag of soap and ripped it open with the help of his pocket knife. He poured the entire bag onto the back of his car. It came out in huge, pink globs and slowly began sliding off. Kili grabbed the hose and began spraying his car wildly until it was clean, accidentally getting both him and Fili wet in the process. He dug a wad of stray dollar bills out of his pocket and threw it at Fili before hopping into his car and driving off.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is not what it was supposed to be... (｀_´)ゞ

Some time after the car wash incident, Kili waffled around his small apartment for some hours. He played video games, called in to work, watched YouTube videos. Every twenty minutes or so he’d go over to his window and push away the cloth blind with a single finger and peak out, watching the city dwellers beneath him. He fed his beloved pets, Bingo the bobcat, Buddy the boa and Bratwurst, his baby boar. Then, he went and bought useless junk online.

Kili sat back down cross-legged on the floor in front of his television, getting back to his video game. Kili was an incredibly rich man, there was no doubt about it. But the lifestyle of the rich and famous wasn’t something that appealed to him. Sure, he owned exotic pets and the two flats above and below him (exclusively for his pets to live in… he had an elaborate transportation system installed for them also), but to Kili there was nothing quite like sitting on a ratty old towel while sitting on the ground, drinking mediocre beer and eating a bag of snacks all while playing last season’s FIFA.

The sun disappeared and Kili took a nap on his old couch. He woke up past midnight to Bratwurst curled up next to him and Bingo stretched out on top. After nudging them away, he got dressed in semi-quasi-clean clothes he found lying on the floor next to his neglected hamper, and dumped the articles that were actually in it into a large trash bag.

In the other room, he could hear Bratwurst trying to sneak up on him, several, rapid little _clack-clack-clack-clack_ announcing his presence as he ran across the wooden floor. The carpet of Kili’s room muted his hoof-steps mostly, but did nothing to quiet the tiny little _oinks_ that he let out with every other step. Kili bent forward and peered at the pig from between his legs.

“Have I not given you enough attention today??” Kili asked, pretending to be irritated. Bratwurst took this as an okay to sprint forward between Kili’s legs, who shot up to avoid collision with his face and scooped him up in his arms, hugging him to his chest.

“Aawww yiss, whoozagoodboy? **_Whoozagoodbuooyyyyyy_ ** ,” he cooed aggressively in baby speak, scratching Brat in all his favorite spots. Brat squealed in pleasure, very agreeable to the doting.

But his mood turned right around the instant Kili placed him back on the floor. He grunted and huffed angrily, butting his head against Kili’s leg. Kili rolled his eyes dramatically, and squatted down in front of Brat. He brought his hands up to Brat’s face and began massaging it.

“Okay I get it, I haven’t been home as much as I used to be,” he moved to lay flat on the floor, then squished Brat’s cheeks with the palms of his hands, “but you gotta understand, buddy, it’s my job. ” his gaze slid down to Bratwurst’s little feet, who let out another little _oink_ , “I think I should buy you little booties,” he considered.

“Fili would think they’re cute, I bet. _I_ would think you’d look cute,” he nodded, watching Bratwurst thoughtfully for a few seconds. His face brightened considerably. “Oh I know,” he grinned.

He leapt to his feet, grabbed his trash bag and threw it over his shoulder, then bent down and grabbed Bratwurst with his free hand, holding him under his arm. He jogged out of the apartment.

Across town, Kili burst his way into the laundry, announcing himself with the first cluster of words that came to his mind.

“I brought you my pig!” he yelled. But Fili was not there. His greeting did get a reaction from someone else, though. It was the twitchy bum who was helping himself to the piles of quarters sitting out on Fili’s small hobby table. He was squatted down in front of it, scooping the change into his pockets, and Fili was sitting right there at the table, too, but he was dead asleep.

Eyebrows furrowing, Kili deposited his clothes and Bratwurst onto a free surface and marched right over.

“What the hell are you doing? Get out of here, those aren’t yours, thief!” he snapped. The bum spun around and hissed at Kili.

“Ain’t no one here, ain’t no one’s name on it!” he demanded.

“What? What kind of bullshit excuse is that? That’s the owner, right there, and that’s hard earned money!  Get outta here,” Kili sneered, grabbing the man by the arm and shoving him away. The bum glared viciously, and spit on the floor.

“He ain’t in, man!” he replied, wiggling his fingers at his own head, “He’s in another _worrrllldd_ , on another plane of existence! What he don’t know don’t hurt him!” he argued, but left, slamming the door behind him.

Kili looked around the shop. Other than Fili, he was the only one in there now. Across the room, Bratwurst oinked at him, reminding Kili of his presence. Kili rolled his eyes but smiled, going over to pick him back up. All while Bratwurst was tucked beneath his right arm, Kili put his laundry in the washer and got it started.

He went back over to Fili, who’s head was buried in his arms on the table. Kili nudged him gently on the shoulder.

“Fili? Fili, wake up,” he said gently. Fili groaned and attempted to hid himself more. “Fili…” Kili kept shaking him until finally Fili sat up and blinked at him with bleary eyes. He stared straight into Kili’s eyes for several seconds, then looked around his shop.

“What time is it?” he asked hoarsely, answering his own question by looking over at the wall clock; it was 2:43. Fili let out a little whine of defeat and collapsed forward onto his table, not caring that some of his change went flying. Kili scrambled to pick it all up for him.

“You okay?” he asked. Fili let out a heavy sigh.

“Yes, just tired. And it’s not even 3 yet…” was his muffled reply.

“You should go to bed!” Kili told him without much thought. Fili sat up and gave him a bewildered look.

“I can’t, I have to be here for another few hours,” he explained, “before shift change,”

Kili plopped Bratwurst down onto the table, and he began sniffing around the coins while Fili stared at him in confusion. “You should just close the place until then! I don’t want to be blunt, but you look… well, awful. You deserve a long nap. Taking one night off won’t kill you, but a lack of sleep will,”

Fili ran his hands down his face and groaned. “Kili, please. I can’t afford the loss, no matter how little it’d be, okay? I know it may seem so fleeting to people like you, ‘ _oh it’s only_ _$10 at most, no big deal_ ’, but yeah, it really is a big deal for me, okay?”

Kili was taken aback. “People like me? What?”

Fili avoided looking at him, but gestured to Kili’s feet. “Your shoes,” was all he said. Kili looked down at his feet and flushed. Admittedly, his shoes were not very cheap, but he didn’t know that was something anyone really paid attention to. He took a deep breath, then steeled Fili with a stern look.

“Fili. Go to bed. I’ll watch the shop for you,” he declared.

“What?!”

“Fili! Got to bed!” Kili threw his hands on his hips and glared down at the blond, “I don’t want you getting ill from exhaustion, dammit! Now go to bed, or I’ll… sing a song!”

They stared at each other tensely for what seemed like ages, but finally, pursing his lips, Fili pushed his chair back and stood up.

“This is the only time I’ll be doing this,” he stated.

“Fine,” Kili replied, only agreeing with him to prevent him from changing his mind, “but take Brats with you, he’s a very good cuddler.” He reached forward and picked up Bratwurst, then pushed him into Fili’s chest.

“I don’t know how I feel about being told to sleep with a pig,” Fili said, looking down at the piglet. Brats sniffed Fili’s face with his wet little nose, and Fili sputtered and rubbed the wetness away with his arm.

“Sleeping with swine is oh so fine,” Kili assured him, nudging him away from the table. “Now shoo, go home and sleep with my pig,” Bratwurst oinked quietly.

Instead of walking out the front door, Fili walked over to a semi-hidden door Kili had never noticed before, that had a sign that read _Employees Only_. Fili disappeared behind it, and Kili could hear him walking up a set of stairs. There was the sound of another door shutting. Somehow, it had never occurred to Kili that Fili would be living right upstairs his business, but it made sense.

He went over and placed his clean clothes into a dryer, then went back over to the table. He sat himself down at Fili’s chair, and began sorting change.


	7. Chapter 7

Kili finished sorting all the coins in just over an hour, then spent the next two and a half browsing on his phone then reading years old magazines once the battery on his phone reached low levels. At 6 AM, on the dot, a large and intimidating man walked in through the door.

Hackles raised, Kili eyed him warily. He was extremely tall and bulky, and was covered from head to toe in tattoos. He didn’t even glance at Kili as he looked around, searching for something. Every passing second made Kili more and more unsettled. Finally the man landed his attention on him.

“Where’s Fili?” He asked.

“That’s none of your business,” Kili stated coldly.

The man crossed his arms. “Excuse me?”

Kili glared up at him. “Whatever beef you have with him you can forget because you’ll have to go through me first!” he snapped.

Visibly recoiling, the man unfolded his arms and put them on his hips. Then he threw his head back and laughed. When he recovered, he wiped a tear from his eye and grinned at Kili. “Beef? I don’t have any _beef_ with Fili, he’s my nephew! I’m here to take over morning shift,” he explained. He walked over to Kili and held out his hand. “You must be the hemophiliac that Fili’s been talking about lately. The name’s Dwalin, and I co-own this place with Fili,”

Thoroughly embarrassed, Kili took Dwalin’s hand and shook it, avoiding eye contact. “Kili,” he returned. “Fili is sleeping. _He’d better be_ , anyway. I made him go to bed because he was asleep when I came in,” he explained.

Dwalin’s features softened. “Thank you. He needs it,” he shook his head, “the boy works himself too hard!”

Kili guffawed. “No kidding! I see him all over the place! What is up with that?!”

Dwalin crossed his arms again. “He works for a temp agency. Any time someone calls out somewhere, they give him the shift and he takes in the extra income,” he explained. Kili furrowed his eyebrows.

“Oh,” was all he said. That made a lot more sense than all the wild ideas he had come up with in his mind! Suddenly he felt his dying phone vibrate in his pocket. Pulling it out and checking the message, he saw that it was from his job, informing him that someone had called in for a Very Special Order. Clearing his throat, Kili stood up from the table.

“I better go, I have to go to work. It was nice meeting you,” he said, shaking Dwalin’s hand once more. Before he left, he remembered Bratwurst.

“Uh… This might seem weird but… can I go up there?” he pointed towards the Employees Only door. “Fili’s got my pig. And… I should probably take him home,” he explained.

Dwalin’s eyebrow rose slowly. “Your pig?” he asked.

“Yeah. My pet pig, Bratwurst. I made Fili take him because he loves to cuddle,”

Dwalin still seemed suspicious and confused, and looked ready to deny Kili’s request, but then a family with several small children entered the laundry. All the young children were running and jumping and yelling immediately, and Dwalin knew he’d have to make sure they wouldn’t wreak too much havoc.

“Fine, you can go up. But be quick about it, and don’t snoop! Just take your pig and go,” he told Kili.

“Of course!” Kili said, rushing over to the door. He let himself in and up the dark, narrow staircase that led to another door. As quietly as possible, he snuck in.

The small apartment was dark and stuffy, with only an old, yellowed kitchen light illuminating the whole room. To Kili’s left was a well-loved sofa and a tiny, ancient television set, sitting up on a worn down end table. To his right in the far corner was the tiny kitchen, with a counter and stools attached. Next to it was a hallway that had two doors; both were slightly ajar.

Almost directly next to him on his left was an old wooden table and two chairs, upon which were letters and papers and some pens. Kili couldn’t help but glance at a stack of thick letters. Even in the poor lighting, he could make out the seal on the envelopes; hospital bills. Kili pursed his lips. That would definitely explain Fili’s desperation for money… was he ill? Kili was suddenly sick with worry.

Ashamed to have learned such private information, Kili quickly went down the hallway. Peeking into the first door revealed the bathroom, so he moved on to the end of the hall. He gently pushed open the door, horrified when it creaked loudly.

Directly ahead of him, against the wall, was Fili’s bed. The lump on top of it shifted when the door groaned, but Kili was able to let out the breath he was holding when it appeared that Fili was unaffected. He tiptoed closer to the side of the bed Fili wasn’t on, and stared intensely while he waited for his eyes to fully adjust to the dark. He felt like a creep.

When he could finally see, Kili immediately zeroed in on Bratwurst… who was being hugged tightly against Fili’s chest. Both were sound asleep, and there was no possible way for Kili to wiggle Bratwurst out of Fili’s arms without waking them both.

His pocket vibrated again. It was another message from work, about the Very Special Order that was now because Very Especially Persistent. Kili sighed quietly and rolled his eyes. Well, Bratwurst seemed to be in good hands at the moment, and it wasn’t like Kili would never come back into the laundry again. Casting one last look at Fili, curled up around Kili’s pig and looking so relaxed and peaceful, Kili snuck out and left for work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Where's your pig??"  
> "... They're completely tangled up with each other,"  
> "Ah, yeah, Fili's a cuddler too, that's for sure,"


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DYK this was supposed to be about 1-2k words long? The entire story. Whoops!

Marie-Louise-Francesca De La Moreno flipped the page in her book quite violently. She was sitting in her favorite lounge chair beside the lit fire place, ignoring the sounds of her husband, who was upstairs in the middle of his sitar/accordion experimentation .

The _nerve_ of that man! Eating the last plate of spaghetti like that even though she had told him it was for the nice tramp who worked on the corner in the alley… despicable! Marie-Louise-Francesca huffed, closed her eyes and rested her head against the chair. Two hairy arms slowly descended from above, on either side of her head. Gripped in the arm’s fists was a rolled up tablecloth, hovering just in front of Marie’s throat.

How could she marry a man like that? She always looked forward to bringing the tramp leftovers; he made for good conversation and street gossip.

Taking in a deep breath, Marie-Louise-Francesca harrumphed. And then, she choked and clawed frantically at the clamp around her throat. Behind her, Kili had sharply pulled the tablecloth against her throat, jerked her head forward and twisted the loose ends of the cloth together in a tight knot, one he knew was impossible to unbind. It effectively began suffocating her as she scrambled to try and save herself.

Kili took a step back and watched in amusement as she failed miserably. It took about seven minutes for a person to suffocate and die. Kili checked the old wall clock hanging above the mantle. Six minutes to go, at least. He continued to watch as she yanked and tugged at the impossible knot that he tied, finding a place to sit some time during it. Five more minutes.

Kili was an impatient man. Two and a half minutes had past, and those alone were arduous. Why hadn’t she turned around to look at him yet? Stupid woman. He listened to the sitar noise from upstairs. Another minute had passed. That was enough! Kili stood and walked back over to Marie-Louise-Francesca. He yanked her to her feet by a strong grip on her scalp, causing her to attempt to scream.

But she could not make any sort of noise except a choked squawk. She violently flailed her arms at Kili, but it was very ineffective. He forced her forward towards the fireplace, bent her over and then pushed her in face first. She choked out harsh shouts, loud enough to get the attention of the husband upstairs, who came rushing down. He got one look in at his wife and yelled out in horror, not even seeing Kili whom had stepped away out of the line of sight.

As the man rushed to find his phone to call emergency services, Kili’s hand covered his mouth and yanked the man back against his chest. Then he took a penknife and jammed it into the side of his throat. Kili took a step back and watched as the man stumbled away, grasping at the tool sticking out of his neck and choking on his own blood. He tripped and fell of the dead body of his wife, landing awkwardly and jamming the knife further in, killing him instantly. Kili scrunched up his face in brief shock and awe, but was otherwise amused.

 

 

 

“Good evening Fili!” Kili yelled out as he glided into the Laundromat. Fili looked up from where he sat at his table, glasses perched on the bridge of his nose, a crossword puzzle book in one hand and a sad looking bologna sandwich in the other. He was wrapped up once more in a warm sheet like a burrito, slowly munching away at his sandwich. Lying off to the side on the table was Bratwurst, who was also wrapped up like a burrito, but in a soft, well-worn towel.

Kili sauntered over with his bag of bloody fabrics, grinning.

“Well if it isn’t my two favorite pigs in a blanket,” he declared, scratching Brats’ ears. Bratwurst squealed in excitement and struggled out of his warm constraints, charging head first directly into Kili’s stomach. “Awww, I missed you too,” he said, petting his pig.

“Are you calling me fat?” Fili asked him, one eyebrow raised. He put his sandwich down and pushed it away; Bratwurst immediately began to show interest.

“No! I was just kidding. Please eat your sandwich, you’re too thin,” Kili frowned. He looked down at his feet, where his bag lay. “It was wild, some guy at work chopped off his toe on accident today and I helped take him to the hospital. I got to ride in the back of the ambulance and help stem the bleeding… it was fun!”

Fili at first looked completely unconvinced, but Kili watched his face turn into one of consideration. “Oh, was that why you weren’t in?”

“Huh?”

_Oink._

“I decided to get pizza for lunch today. I thought it’d be kind of nice to see you at work and say hello,” Fili shrugged, “But you weren’t in. I heard someone mention an accident but I didn’t piece it together,”

Kili was heartbroken that Fili had actually come to see him, and he wasn’t even there! He was too busy moonlighting. But there was really an accident at work? What the hell did he miss?

He must have looked completely devastated, because Fili immediately tried to brush it off and underplay it.

“It’s no big deal, really. I didn’t have much time for my lunch, anyway, so it wouldn’t have mattered—“

“D’you wanna go get lunch? Together? Sometime?” Kili spontaneously interrupted, “It doesn’t have to be pizza,” he quickly added. Then he remembered that he had found some money at his last mark’s home.

_Oink oink._

“Oh I got you some coins too at the uh… the hospital. I got ‘em from the fountain in the courtyard,” he smoothly lied, emptying his pockets onto the table, pouring several coins out.

“You mean the change people throw into the fountain as hopes and prayers for their loved ones?”

“Yeah!” Kili grinned, “That’s the one! So what’d’ya say… lunch? Maybe… Thursday?”

Fili looked down at the coins in thought. He glanced at Kili’s bag then back at the coins.

“If I say yes will you not steal money from fountains again? It seems slightly immoral. But I can probably miss one day’s work, I suppose,” he smiled up at Kili. Kili’s grin became impossibly brighter, almost forcing his eyes shut completely.

“Excellent! Let me get your phone number and we can figure out the details later.” He cleared his throat awkwardly, “And uh, yeah, no more fountain money,”


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recommended listening: Only Martha Knows from Doctor Who S3 on youtube. But only for the first 3 - 4 paragraphs lol

Kili sat gaily upon the brand new checkered tablecloth he bought from the local WalMart, smiling from ear to ear as he picked at random blades of grass. He was sitting in the park on a beautiful sunny day; birds were chirping, popcorn fart clouds drifted by in the sky and there was a slight breeze blowing. He looked down at the main course (several peanut butter and jelly sandwiches made slapdash, then thrust onto a paper plate and covered in cling wrap), only to see it covered in ants. Luckily, the cling wrap blocked their entry rather well.

He leaned over and flicked away all the annoying bugs one by one until they were gone, only noticing too late that as he launched them into the air, the wind immediately shot them into his hair. He leaped to his feet and frantically shook his hands in his hair to get them all out. When he finally succeeded, he grabbed one of the sides of the picnic cloth and gently dragged it a bit away, inspecting the area for anthills before settling down again.

He checked his phone for the time; 30 past 1. Kili had been waiting there for 30 minutes now, but it was exactly 1:30 that he and Fili were officially supposed to be eating lunch together in the park. He even brought Buddy, his boa, along too, since Fili had shown interest when Kili mentioned him. Buddy was gingerly stretched out along Kili’s shoulders and arms, sniffing the air with his tongue.

1:45, and Kili was starting to regret bringing potato salad. Where was Fili? It’d been 15 minutes… Kili brushed away his panic. Fili was excruciatingly poor, he probably was walking to the park and had left at exactly 1:30, that’s all. He sent a casual text to the man, mentioning the potato salad sitting in the direct sunlight.

2:00 and Kili was walking Buddy, following him as he slithered happily through the grass, constantly checking his phone for any sort of message from Fili. He had texted Fili an additional time, never having gotten a reply for the first text. This wasn’t like Fili… he wasn’t a flake, was he?

2:30 and Kili was cleaning up camp, but not before eating the bag of potato chips he bought at WalMart. There was still no word from Fili, and the potato salad had gone off. Buddy was curled around his torso. He walked in the direction of the parking lot, when his phone began dancing and singing to the tune of the It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia theme. Kili dropped everything on the ground. It had to be Fili! … and it was!

“Fili! Where are you? Are you okay?” Kili babbled into the device.

 _“I’m sorry Kili… I can’t make it. Something came up,”_ Fili told him. Kili visibly deflated, but he had expected the news. The tone of Fili’s voice though… he sounded stuff up and tired. Had he just woken up? Why didn’t he say so? _Something came up…_? Was he hungover? He could’ve just told Kili that instead of saying _something came up_ …

Before his brain could stop his mouth, Kili retorted, “Oh, yeah? I’m sure whatever that _something_ was must’ve been pretty important that you couldn’t of let me know before I sat out here in the park waiting for you to not show up for an hour, baking like a potato,”

_“… … …”_

But then Kili realized immediately what a horrible thing to say that was and began trying to take it back. “Aw man wait no I didn’t mean to—“

 _“My mom died; this morning. I’ve got to go, I’ll talk to you… later._ ” Fili hung up.

Oh.

Well, shit.


	10. Chapter 10

Kili didn’t know what to do. He _needed_ to properly apologize to Fili, but now was definitely not the time. He honestly would’ve liked nothing more than to be with Fili to comfort him and to lend a shoulder, but wasn’t sure if he would be welcome at that moment. Kili sighed. It would do no good for him to mope around aimlessly. He picked up his things and headed home.

As he climbed the steps up to his apartment, his mood brightened when he saw a moderately sized box sitting on his doormat. His package had arrived! He hurried up the remaining steps and into the apartment, dumping off the things in his arms on his cheap couch so he could pick up his package. He brought it in and kicked the door shut, tearing off the packing tape and rifling through the foam peanuts before he even set it down on the counter.

It was just as he suspected; his new toy was here. Kili had ordered a specially made grappling hook of sorts, a replica from a video game. He was already excited to try it and hoped he’d get a special call soon. Another toy in his package was a massive crossbow, also a replica from another video game. There was nothing quite like being able to be your favorite video game character!

Thrilled with his mail, Kili plopped down onto the floor and began haphazardly messing around with the crossbow, failing several times to load a single bolt. Finally after a few minutes he figured it out. Just as he pulled back the string and notched the bolt, he felt a tickling sensation in the crack of his ass. Yipping and trying to jump away from the sensation, he accidentally shot off the crossbow, impaling a bolt in his ceiling.

Staring widely at the bolt for a couple of seconds, he looked over his shoulder to see what was tickling him. It was Buddy, who was slithering down his back and scoping out every nook and cranny, Kili gently shoved his head away from his crack and quickly yanked his shamrock boxers up with his thumb and finger.

“As much as I love ya, Bud, your tongue isn’t the one I want down there,”

He climbed to his feet and tossed his crossbow onto the couch. “Now help me get that sucker out the ceiling, will you?” he said, searching for something to stand on.

 

 

Kili’s next job was another one that took place in a more rural, wooded area. It was a newer house with a tall wood fence and nice pool in the back. Surrounding the home were several massive pine trees that Kili could easily stand behind and be completely hidden from view. Not that it really mattered, because it was the dead of night, but just in case. He snuck up to the wood fence at the back of the house and grabbed a hold of the top edge, pulling himself up with lots of struggle. Having his whole body weight dangling there while he waited for his eyes to adjust took a toll on his arms (much less his right arm, which was the one he used more frequently to ‘browse the internet’) and they gave out, plummeting him to the forest floor.

Luckily, he caught a glimpse of movement in the backyard, which he was hoping for. That meant his target was lurking in the backyard, moon tanning presumably.

Kili scurried away to the nearest pine tree. There, he glared intently up in the sky until he was able to see a large enough branch to hold his weight. He got into position beneath it then grabbed his backpack, which he had placed nearby, and pulled out his grappling hook shot. He pointed it directly above him and pulled the trigger, grinning when he heard it hit its mark. Then, he pulled out his crossbow from his backpack, and placed one foot on the trunk of the tree.

He looked up at the branch and pressed another button, this one beginning to pull him upwards. What Kili did not anticipate was how damn loud the mechanism was! It was ridiculous, there was no way his target couldn’t hear it. But it was dark, so they still wouldn’t see him. Best case scenario, they were actually asleep. As the gun pulled him up, he walked slowly up the tree along with it.

It felt like an age before Kili finally reached the branch and pulled himself up, straddling it. He lay down on his stomach carefully and braced himself before grabbing the thick blade imbedded in the tree with both hands and began violently jerking it and wiggling it and tugging at it until it finally burst free from its woody prison. He carefully sat back up and wound the device up again, so he could use it as his backup weapon. It was as he was doing this that the motion sensor floodlight attached to the roof of the house suddenly turned on, blinding Kili and lighting up the entirety of the back yard.

He took advantage of the new view though, scoping out the area. He found his target rather quickly. After all, it was hard to miss a naked 400-lb man with his back turned to you as he beat his meat in front of the rabbit hutch.

“What the fuck…” Kili whispered. Oh well, there was not much he could do about it, frankly. Legs swinging back and forth, Kili grabbed a bolt and loaded it into the crossbow. The noise of it grabbed the attention of the target, who turned and gaped up at Kili; but he didn’t stop masturbating. It actually got almost more vigorous, if Kili was one to judge.

Horrified, Kili quickly shot off his crossbow at the man, yelling, “Thar she blows!” as he did so. The bolt slammed into the man’s left boob with a sickening squelch, but the man was so fat that it had little effect! The man yelled in pain regardless, letting go of his dick to grab at the bolt sticking out of his chest as he fell to his knees.

Kili shouted and grabbed his hook shot. He aimed quickly then fired, the dagger and rope sailing effectively straight through the air and the man’s throat. He gagged and spit out blood, choking and frantically trying to save his own life. It lasted about five seconds before he bled out.

Okay, now what? Oh, duh! Just like in the game, he had to just jump from the branch and it would… somehow do what he wanted it to? It was worth a shot. Without putting down the hook shot, Kili oh so carefully climbed to his feet on the branch. He assumed the position with his feet spread wide and both hands firmly grasping the gun, and then he jumped backwards.

He did not make it far before being jerked to a stop, which hurt his back and sent him swaying and spinning in mid-air. His weight managed to drag the body just slightly (not that he could see from behind the fence now, it was too high), but it was not enough. So he was left flailing as he tried to get his bearings.

When he realized that he’d have no choice but to just drop to the ground, he ground and curled up, bracing himself. The landing was painful, but he stayed intact, luckily. Throbbing all over, he got to his feet and stumbled over to the fence. He’d have to get the other end of his weapon back, but the thought of climbing the smooth fence made Kili miserable. He leaned back against it and slid to the ground, trying to catch his breath.

Suddenly he heard his backpack making an odd noise. His phone! Someone sent him a text. Crawling over to it on his hands and knees, and flopped onto his stomach as he fished out his phone and opened the messaging app.

**Foxy Fili:**

_Are you coming in tonight?_  
  


Kili’s heart skipped a beat, and he replied instantly.

**  
Me:**

_Yes! R u ok?_

Kili waited two whole minutes for a reply, but it didn’t come. He put his phone away and hopped to his feet, having gotten a second wind. He’d have to get his rope back, and quick! He had a cutie to care for and console, and if he was lucky, cuddle!


	11. Chapter 11

When Kili arrived at the laundry, he was briefly surprised to find the lights shut off and the door locked. Fili had texted him to come over, but how did he expect Kili to get in? Unless Fili _didn’t_ want him to come over. He texted Kili asking him if he had planned on showing up that night, maybe he was just checking and forgot to say ‘no, don’t’ ?

Grimacing, Kili walked around to the side of the building and looked up. He could see the light on up where Fili lived, so he was definitely in. He pulled out his phone and shot Fili a quick text, letting him know that he was standing underneath his window, sans boombox. This time, Fili texted back almost immediately.

_k._

‘Okay…’ Kili thought, ‘so he’s okay with me being here, but… how am I getting in?’

He turned and looked at his car. He could use his grappling hook to scale the building… but it’d still be obnoxiously loud. He looked up again at the window. There was a fire escape, but there was no way in hell he’d be able to jump and reach it. He texted Fili again.

_can u let me in the door is locked_

Fili texted back.

_Use teh bakdooer_

Kili raised an eyebrow at the message, but shoved his phone back into his pocket and walked round the back, finding the entrance but frowning when he saw that is was half barricaded by a stack of cinderblocks and broken wood planks. He rolled his eyes and began heaving enough of it away until he could pull the door open just enough and squeeze inside.

It was eerie being inside the shop when it was closed. To Kili’s right was the doorway to Fili’s dingy home, a stream of light flooding out. Kili let himself in and began the trek upstairs when he heard Fili’s voice speaking to another in a strange accent.

“Oh he is comink up now, I cahn hear him,”

“Who?”

“Um…”

Kili popped his head into the room, finding Fili and his uncle Dwalin sitting at the old round table which had been moved to the center of the room. Fili pointed at him.

“’Him,”

“Hullo,” Kili greeted, coming all the way in. He shut the door behind him and walked over to the table, meeting Dwalin’s horrified gaze.

“Son, are you alright?! You’re covered in blood!”

Kili looked down at himself. The damage was a lot worse than he had thought; he _was_ covered in blood! His shirt was ruined, his pants were soaked and his neck and arms were just as bad. He had to give everything he had to remove the harpoon from the man’s body earlier, and things had gotten a bit… messy.

“Ohhh, right, the blood…” he pondered, biting his lip.

“Ugh, da. Its is always like this… he is… I do not know. But I do not care right now, right now is just for,” he hiccupped, “the drink,” Fili rolled his eyes and provided theatrics with his hand. He slammed the palm of his hand onto the table and glared at Kili.

“Kili!” he, in his wonderful red plaid button up with the sleeves rolled to his elbows, and his dry hair pulled up into a messy bun, and his last shave apparently about a week ago, declared. “Why are you notst drinking!?”

Kili looked around for a chair to sit in, but found none. “I just got here,” he replied.

“I will go get it, is in my room,” Fili decreed, standing to his feet. He had to support himself with both hands on the table for a second, first. Then he walked around the table and down the hall, bumping in the walls several times.

“Get what?” Dwalin asked. Kili shrugged, but took the opportunity to grab a red solo cup and pour in a generous amount of whiskey. Among the bottles of liquor on the table (bourbon, whiskey, four bottles of vodka) were several scattered polaroids that couldn’t have been of anyone other than Fili’s mother. On the floor Kili spotted an empty bottle of vodka, and assumed that it had been nearly empty when the party had started.

Dwalin noticed. “That was brand new two hours ago,” he told Kili.

“What? How is he not completely passed out?”

“He’s Russian,”

“He’s _Russian??_ ”

Dwalin nodded. “Aye, he and his mother immigrated when he was a moody pre-teen. I met them through his uncles who provided for them for a time,”

Kili was taken aback. What was he supposed to say or to think? Fili bumped his way back down the hall, holding a chair identical to the two others.

“Here sit on this,” he demanded, dropping directly next to Kili. The leg landed on his foot and the armrest scraped his arm a tiny bit, but Kili pulled himself free and plopped down into it. He looked up at Fili who wiped his nose on the sleeve of his shirt. His nose, eyes and cheeks were red from hours of crying earlier. He rubbed his eyes with his fingers. “M’eyes itch,” he grumbled.

“ _Ohh_ , come here kid,” Dwalin sympathized, hopping to his feet and pulling Fili into a bone crushing hug. “Now that your friend is here, I have to go. I have work very early tomorrow but I will check up on you tomorrow, okay?”

Fili nodded, and Dwalin let him go. He held him at arm’s length, and shook his head. “She is better now. She’s not hurting anymore,” Fili nodded again, agreeing. Then Dwalin patted him on the back and left through the door.

Fili flopped back down into one of the chairs and stared at the table. “I got the chair for nothingst…” he bemoaned.

Kili couldn’t help but snort, “Don’t worry about it. Now we have a foot rest if we need it,”

Fili huffed. He grabbed one of the bottles of vodka, opened it and took a long drink from it before replacing the cap and hugging it to his chest.

“So… you’re Russian?”

“Make out with me!” Fili insisted, ignoring Kili’s question.

“Uh… well not when you’re like this. Maybe you should slow down with the drinks first?”

“Why??” Fili whined, “I put on my tightest pants for youuuu, UGH,

‘I noticed,’ Kili thought. “I’m not going to bang you while you’re drunk,”

“Where is your piggy?” Fili yelled.

“He’s at home. I came right over from work, I didn’t stop by my place first, sorry,”

Fili sighed loudly. “Yer the worst. No makin’ out, no piggies, no… uh… d-danger noodlez,”

Kili laughed loudly. “Tell you what, do you want to come over and meet them sometime?”

“YES. NOW,” Fili stood up, bumping the table, and wobbled over to put his shoes on. Kili put his untouched drink on the table and stretched his arms.

“Right now?”

“YES.”

“Well… alright. I guess that’s okay,” he stood up and patted himself down to make sure he had all his things, then helped escort Fili to the exit.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let me know of any embarrassing errors so I can fix them o~o

When Kili accelerated the car again after waiting at a stoplight, Fili flew backwards. Well, the back of his seat did. He had apparently gotten a hold of the recliner lever, and as Kili zoomed the car forward, Fili’s seat slammed back completely.

“Bleehhhh!” Fili groaned, causing Kili to shoot him a panicked look as he thought the blond was throwing up in his car. However filthy the interior of the vehicle already was, Kili didn’t want any puke adding to its healthy layer of grime.

“How you doin’, Blondie?” Kili asked him. Fili threw him a thumbs up, his arm swaying to and fro as it lingered in the air.

“I’m stayin’ here,” Fili told him, hugging his hands under his armpits and letting his head roll to the side. His eyes slid shut and he dozed off, leaving Kili to safely get them to his apartment.

When they arrived fifteen minutes later, Kili went around and opened the passenger door. He leaned over Fili to unbuckle him, then shook him awake.

“Wakey, wakey, eggs and bakey,” he sing-songed. Fili groaned and cracked one of his eyes open to glare at Kili.

“Don’ tell me howda live m’life, punk,” he slurred. He slowly and literally slid out of the car, mostly boneless and ignoring Kili and his attempts to help him to his feet.

“Ugh—Fili, come on. Up and at ‘em, buddy,”

“Fight me,”

Kili grabbed a hold of Fili from beneath his armpits and began dragging Fili along the sidewalk, then up the stairs and then into his apartment. It was then that finally Fili showed signs of life, turtle rocking onto his stomach. He pushed himself onto his hands and knees, then sat back on his heels. He pulled a flask out of a magic pocket, somewhere that couldn’t have been his pants because those, as Kili kept intensely observing, were _way_ too tight.  They were the kind of tight that you’d be able to see undies outlines, if there were any (in this case, there were not!).

“Okay, Tater Tot, up onto the couch with you and I’ll get the boys ready to see you,” Kili told him, nudging Fili with his knee.

“Hunh? Oh oil get my boys ready for you too,” Fili grinned, struggling to his feet. He held up his arms to help him balance, but it was a spectacular failure and in those next seconds he looked very much like a fighter plane going down in a tail spin. He crashed into the back of the couch and slumped forward, folding himself in half.

Kili stared, then turned and hurried away in search of his pets, slightly dizzy from the sudden migration of blood from his head to down south.

The first of Kili’s roommates to make themselves known was Buddy, who slithered out of the bathroom and towards the commotion in the main room.

“Oh there you are, Buddy!” Kili crouched down in front of the snake and gently rubbed the top of his head with his pointer finger. Buddy flicked his tongue out at Kili’s finger after enjoying the attention, and began slithering up Kili’s pant leg. “Go on, go meet Fili. You’re not the pant snake he’s hoping for, I don’t think, but you’ll still cheer him up some,”

Kili stood and shook his leg a little, causing Buddy to fall out of his clothes. He was unfazed and continued slithering down the hallway.

“Piggy… I know you’re around here. Heeeeere pigpigpigpigpigpigpigpigpig, heeeeeeeeere piggypiggypiggypiggy!” Kili called out, cupping a hand to his mouth. He heard a faint _snort_ from somewhere close, but otherwise there was nothing. Kili rolled his eyes and walked into his bedroom. Bratwurst was exactly where he thought; taking full advantage of Kili’s empty bed by filling it himself.

“Oh I see how it is. Well I know how to get you up on your feet…”

Kili left his room and headed towards his kitchen. He passed by Fili on the way, who was still folded over the back of the couch. But now, he had resting on top of him Buddy, who was curled up on the small of Fili’s back looking like a large pile of white poop. Kili grabbed a big tub of cat treats from the top of his fridge and shook it for a couple of seconds.

Instantly, both Bratwurst and Bingo were at his feet, rubbing up against his legs, purring and snorting. Kili lured them over to the couch before finally giving them treats. He went back to the kitchen to grab himself a drink and snacks, then came back to turn on his game console. He sat down next to Fili, who was actively browsing memes on his phone.

“Oh you’re back,” he said to Kili when he was jostled by the movement. He seemed to have sobered up some.

“I am back. Comfy?” Kili asked. Fili nodded, not taking his eyes from his phone. The screen went black suddenly, and Fili frowned.

“It died…” he said sadly, “like my mom,” he tossed his phone away and sighed. “I’m not comfy anymore,”

“Oh I’ll help you out, stay there,” Kili told him. He got up and walked up behind Fili, scooping up Buddy and holding him up to his own shoulders to curl around. As Fili pushed himself up with his arms, Kili helped him keep balance until he was safely upright. Fili sighed again and dropped himself down on the proper side of the couch. Bingo and Bratwurst were there to meet him, vying for attention.

“Oh hello,” Fili mumbled, trying to pet them simultaneously with each of his hands. Kili powered up his game, and as he waited for it to load he sat back and rubbed Fili’s back.

“Do you like… wanna talk about it?” he asked. Fili looked over to him and grimaced.

“No, it’s fine. I shouldn’t be acting like this, it’s stupid. She was in hospice for a while so it wasn’t like it was a surprise or anything,”

“Oh shut up with that, you have every right to be as upset as you need to be!” Kili told him. He glanced at the screen and paused his game so Geralt wouldn’t be attacked by a passing Noonwraith or Drowner while Kili wasn’t looking. He looked Fili in the eye. “Tell me everything you want to get off your chest,”

Fili stared back, then opened his mouth. “Everyone in my family has gotten cancer from the radiation poisoning.”

Kili blinked. “I’ll get you another drink.” He replied, quickly grabbing his hidden bottle of Jameson from under the kitchen sink and thrusting it into Fili’s hands. Bingo curled up in Kili’s lap and Brats had turned into a little sausage loaf between them. Fili took a long swig from the bottle of whiskey.

“My mother and I are from City 40. Ozersk… You won’t find it on any map, because it’s an unmarked city. After World War 2, it was there that they began the nuclear weapons program. In the late ‘50’s, a plutonium plant exploded and contaminated the area much, much more than it already was from the same plant. Like Chernobyl, but much worse…” everything Fili said was slurred, but the seriousness in his tone had Kili knowing there were no lies anywhere in the tale.

“There’s so much radiation pollution… everyone gets sick and dies young, it’s inevitable. M’mom and dad worked in the weapons plant, but my da’ made my mom stop when she got pregnant. I think… he died of cancer when I was four or five… I don’t remember, I was so little. My mom found out she got cancer when I was thirteen… so she decided to get us to America, for a new life,” Fili nodded, face contorting as he tried to remember a proper timeline. “She didn’t want me to live a miserable life in Ozersk, so she risked hers to get us out,”

Kili stared at Fili, upset. “What the fuck!” he wailed. “That’s awful, what the shit,”

Fili snorted and took another swig of alcohol. “And… I have to tell you something, Kili. I stole from you!” he despaired.

“Wait, what?”

“I stole your money!” Fili flung an arm over his eyes, “That day at the car wash… you threw cash at me and left. It was hundreds of dollars!!”

Kili blanched, but kept his mouth sealed shut. When Fili brought his arm down, he had begun crying again.

“I wanted to return it to you… but I was short on payments. I- I used it to pay for my mom’s pain meds,” he drank more whiskey. “I’m sorry, Kili!!”

Kili pursed his lips. He was livid. He could have helped so much!! But just dumping thousands upon thousands of dollars suddenly unto Fili would have been extremely suspicious. It was definitely one of the few times Kili resented his career choice.

“I knew it. Yer pissed. I-I’m sorry, Kili. I’m so sorry, I was desperate,” Fili rubbed at his eyes. Kili’s heart skipped a beat.

“No, no!! I’m not mad at you! I… I’m mad at myself. I’m not mad at you, please believe me,” Kili nudged Brats off the couch and scooted over to Fili so he could pull him into a tight embrace. Fili returned it and proceeded to sob into Kili’s shoulder.

Kili held the blond for several minutes, not letting go even when the flow of tears slowed into quiet sniffles.

“Kili?”

“Yes, Fili?”

“Your snake… it has ears?”

Kili scrunched up his face in confusion. He gave an awkward side-eyed glance down to Buddy, who was still wrapped around his shoulders and was flicking his tongue all over Fili’s nose. He had on a tiny pair of [fuzzy bunny ears](https://66.media.tumblr.com/c5dcddf73fdde007e189ff6b560ed330/tumblr_n46tpxBM7Z1qzfsnio1_500.jpg).

“Oh! You mean the… yeah, I uh… I like to dress him up sometimes,” Kili blushed, “I think it’s cute,”

Fili snorted. Bratwurst replied. “Yeah, it’s really cute,”

He pulled away from Kili so he could look away and yawn so widely that his jaw popped.

“Sleepy?” Kili smirked. Fili nodded. “I can set up the couch for you to sleep on if you’d like…”

Fili nodded again. “That sounds nice, but…” he decided to take advantage of the liquid courage coursing through his veins, “I think I’d rather sleep in your bed,” he tried to be as lascivious as he possible, but the puffy eyes and slurred words took away from the effect. Kili stared at him blankly.

“Oh! Okay, well, I could always sleep on the couch, that’s fine,”

Fili deflated and huffed. “ _Not_ what I meant,” he grumbled.

Kili cringed. “Yeah… I got what you meant, I just don’t think it’s that great of an idea tonight. You’re drunk and grieving, I don’t want to take advantage of your state,” he shifted uncomfortably.

“Yeah, that’s fine,” Fili nodded. “I’ll take the couch, then,”

“You sure?”

“Yeah, but I get to take the pig, too,”

Kili couldn’t stop from smiling. “Yeah, I don’t think he’d be too against that,”

The pair of them stood from the couch and Kili went to get sleeping supplies for his friend. He tucked in a sheet and brought out some pillows and blankets, letting Fili do with them as he wished while he turned off the long forgotten game console.

"Can I have a kiss goodnight?" Fili asked suddenly.

Kili froze, unsure what to do. He was more of a romantic, and he didn't like the idea of his first kiss with Fili to be in this sort of situation. But Fili was distraught and clearly needed some affection. Sighing mentally, he stepped towards Fili and cupped the blond's face. He smiled, then leaned in and kissed Fili gently for some seconds. He pulled away when it was clear Fili was trying to move things onto something more, and gently nudged him so he was fall back back down onto the couch.

A pleased smile stretched across Fili's face, and then he sat up to began the great drunken task of disrobing. Kili blushed and turned away as Fili stared on the button of his pants.

“I’ll talk to you in the morning, then? Don’t wait for me to get up, if you’re up before me… do whatever you want,”

Fili nodded and gave him a sloppy thumbs up.

“Good night, Fili,”

“Good night, Kili,”


End file.
